At the beginning of June, I filmed some scenes for a music video with my daughter Jaydah. Before you ask, no it wasn't to showcase my amazing rapping skills but as part of the visuals alongside three other incredible mums.
Massive shout out to Aleisha and Steez for getting Jaydah and I onboard for this special project. The concept for the song and video was something that I really connected with. To share a small insight of what mum life looks like for some is only a part of how big the role actually is. It makes you realise the lasting effect this role can have on those surrounding us.
It also made me look back at my own journey through motherhood. From falling pregnant at 18, giving birth at 19 to being a stay-at-home mum. Then moving into the working mum world and then becoming a single mum, after Jaydah's dad and I split. Honestly, you have no idea how many times I've played Will Smith's Just The Two of Us as the unofficial theme song for our life (or adventures as I like to call them).
But even after almost 13 years of being a mum, the song made me think about all the things that I'm doing for "us" and whether it's enough?
If you've ever seen the movie Selena, the story of the late Tejano singer's life starring Jennifer Lopez, then you'll be familiar with this scene.
Selena is in the car with her dad and brother discussing a potential tour in Mexico and her dad isn't sure whether it will be received well since they are Mexican-American. He basically says that being Mexican-American is hard because you have to be twice as perfect as everyone else. He goes on to explain that they have to prove to the Mexicans how Mexican they are and then prove to the Americans how American they are as well - I always laugh at the way he says how exhausting it is.
This is how I see myself as a single mother - always having to prove that in each role I play, I am just as good as everyone else. There will be days where I'm killing the mum game and then the days where mum guilt takes over. The same applies for every other aspect in my life - work, study, etc and just like Selena's dad says, it's exhausting!
Before you think, well no one's telling you to prove yourself to anyone. You can't deny that single mums have long been portrayed in such a negative light, fuelling that need to disprove this stereotype.
Here are three of my absolute favourites:
Single mums raise messed up children because they didn't come from the conventional two parent household. MELON TRUTH: I feel like as long as a child feels loved and supported in any kind of household then this doesn't matter. Messed up children come from a whole lot of underlying issues so to blame it purely on it being a one-parent household is messed up itself. Jaydah and I lived with my parents for a while before setting up on our own so that made a huge difference in our transition. I was scared to live just us two at first because I thought a quiet, empty house would make everything seem so sad and scary. I'm so grateful for my parents stepping in to create that family atmosphere for us. Jaydah also grew really close to my dad while we were there so it was great that he was a constant father figure for her; this was so important at this time since she was still adjusting from being able to see her dad every day to just every second weekend or so. It really does take a village to raise a child and so essential for providing a safe and healthy environment for them. Thank you to my 'village' of helpers who have contributed to our journey so far, you are appreciated!
Single mums are out to steal your husband to give their kids a new dad, don't invite them to anything where other couples will be. MELON TRUTH: This one cracks me up so much! First of all, most of the time if a mum has become a single mum then she's probably been through a whole lot. I'm talking about a rollercoaster of emotions, changes and wondering what is the next step for her and her kids. I highly doubt that she would be spending her spare time, plotting how to steal your man at the next bbq or the best way to pick up a new dad for her kids during school drop offs. I learnt a lot of hard lessons with people realising that they were uncomfortable with me being single in a group dynamic of couples. I sort of get it, maybe some people find change confronting and don't know how to act. In that case, is it just a reflection of your own insecurities? Or is it what you would do if you were in my position so that's what scares you? I think a lot of people really focus on single as being the key word, not realising that the important word is mum. A mum who puts her child's well-being first, who is worrying about keeping up with the bills and putting food on the table. Yes, there are single mums out there who do play right into this stereotype but for the majority who don't - please tell Siri to play Let It Go by Keyshia Cole and turn it right up when Missy Elliot says "I don't want your man".
Single mums are sad people who don't have it together so how can they possibly run a household without falling apart. MELON TRUTH: I think people tend to forget that single mums didn't actually have this path in mind when thinking about their future. Maybe a woman chose to keep her unborn child, maybe her relationship didn't work out or maybe she's mourning the loss of her partner. Regardless of her journey there, she's a woman who chooses her children every single day and will always find a way to make it work for their sake. She may have it together one day and then be an absolute mess the next day. The world doesn't stop because your household situation changes (neither do the bills) so you learn to just keep moving with it. It's easier for people to point out all your problems rather than offer ways to help. If you really want to help a single mum then the best thing you can offer is support. She's busy trying to keep up with the school work, stick to a budget, fulfil work obligations, pay the bills, cook nutritious meals and the list goes on. Let's not forget that as carers we also need to stay on top of our own mental and physical health to make sure we aren't raising "messed up kids". Society should be more worried about raising up single mums with support than worrying about how they're running their households.
To go back to the question I asked earlier - is everything I do for "us" enough?
Honestly, I have no idea. Most of the time I'm just trying to get through each week but I do see the appreciation and love Jaydah has for me so that is more than enough for me.
It takes some real creative talent to bring such a vision to life, look at how this song made me reflect on my life like I'm on an episode of This is Your Life. So let's raise an imaginary glass to all the powerful women surrounding us, as the wise Tupac said, "we all came from a woman, got our name from a woman and our game from a woman" - you better remember that!
Song is available on all platforms - GO AND CHECK IT OUT!
US was written & performed by Steez Malase and Duey Kitiseni (Killaflowz) at Six Degree Studios Brisbane
Produced by Grayson Patu (Bane4K)
Mixed and Mastered by Kane Hira
Visuals by Ruff Pops Visuals
Featuring Aleisha Mahani, Shana Ahmed, Jessica Hunt and Melanie Heather